The Fiver | Everything is happening and nothing is happening
08 August 2019, 15:59
Deadline Day, 1.30pm (BST). With 3hr 29min 26.73sec to go until the transfer window shuts, a moment is captured in time. Brentford are lining up a deal for Sparta Rotterdam striker Halil Dervisoglu according to somebody on Twitter Sky Sources, Dominic Thompson to Brentford from Arsenal for an initial fee of £1m is a done deal and – what’s this?!?!? – QPR are favourites to sign Burnley striker Nakhi Wells on loan.
Having just chaired a conversation in which all four participants had no idea whether or not Wilfried Zaha will leave Crystal Palace for Everton [turns out he won’t – Fiver Ed], Sky Sports News presenter Jo Wilson has the air about her of a woman who has recently been and is about to once again go “around the grounds” where her colleagues Fraser Dainton (Finch Farm), Michael Bridge (Beckenham), Anton Toloui (Molineux) and Paul Gilmour (Hotspur Way) are keeping abreast of events as they don’t really happen at Everton, Palace, Wolves and Spurs respectively.
Out of shot in the studio’s “social media hub”, Jasper Taylor has just revealed the results of a survey in which an overwhelming majority of Newcastle fans have voted in favour of a return to St James’ Park for their knack-prone former hero Andy Carroll. Not usually ones renowned for bowing in the face of public opinion, within moments the club hierarchy put their medical department on red alert and offered the centre-forward a one-year deal.
Elsewhere, Queen’s Celtic full-back Kieran Tierney has signed for Arsenal, where David Luiz is also thrashing out personal terms. Chelsea midfielder Danny Drinkwater is potentially going on loan to Burnley, while spiky Saints striker Charlie Austin is loitering around the Hawthorns with what can only be described as intent. At Tottenham, Giovani Lo Celso is coughing for the doctor, who it seems will not get to hear similar noises emanating from the throat of Paulo Dybala. Everything is happening and nothing is happening, as has always been the way.
But with paperwork being sorted on last-minute deals worth millions ahead of 5pm, spare a thought for Bury, who are facing a far less glamorous but more pressing deadline of their own. Amid the transfer drama, Sky’s own Yellow Ticker of Doom reported that the club face expulsion from the Football League in 14 days, unless they “meet all outstanding requirements of the league’s insolvency policy” by explaining how they plan to pay their bills. On a day renowned for its big-money announcements, a club going to the wall over what, in top-level football terms, amounts to chump change is the most depressing but least trumpeted of them all.
Join Jacob Steinberg for the thrilling denouement/death throes of the Premier League’s summer transfer window, in the live deadline day blog.
“He had the wrong mentality, the wrong attitude from day one. He was always going against the grain. It was like he had a vendetta. It was every day. I didn’t like him. If we were told to wear this, he’d wear something different. If I was a manager or an owner of a club I wouldn’t take him if you paid me” – Glen Johnson pulls no punches in his assessment of former team-mate Saido Berahino – earning a stinging rebuke from Ravel Morrison.
The latest edition of Football Weekly Extraaaaa is being recorded as the window slams – and will be in this general direction later.
“Matthew Keeler needs to address us by our proper moniker; 32Red’s Wayne Rooney’s Derby County, otherwise this whole ruse might be broken and we’ll end up with a very big bill we can’t afford” – Jordan Glossop.
“The new Wales dragon emblem [Wednesday’s Fiver] appears to be breathing fire that will singe its own wings. How very Brexity” – Sharon Hammond.
“What delightful prose: ‘In heraldic terms, the beast was traditionally salient and facing the dexter side’. Informative, educational but, unfortunately, still not funny. Good effort though!” – Johnny McIntyre.
“Re: Liverpool and Klopp’s Beautiful South-driven transfer policy. I would say an even greater influence in recent years has been the Beautiful Southampton. As for the future plans of a certain displaced central defender – Let Lovren Speak Up Himself” – Peter Oh.
“Re: The golden age of The Fiver [Fivers passim]. I’ve just done a quick trawl of old emails, and found a 2005 Fiver complete with a letter from me, which suggests my age is teetering on the golden, and it’s probably time to swap the skinny jeans and retro Golas for comfortable slacks and a pair of Hush Puppies” – Daniel Kennedy.
Send your letters to [email protected] And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day prize is … Jordan Glossop, who gets a copy of Football Leaks. Send us your address and we may even get it in the post to you. We have more to give away, so get scribbling.
Romelu Lukaku has got his wish, sealing a £70m move to Internazionale and signing a five-year contract. “Inter were the only club I wanted, because Inter is not for everyone,” Lukaku said, somewhat cryptically. “I’m here to bring the nerazzurri back to the top.”
Watford have smashed their transfer record to sign Senegal winger Ismaïla Sarr for a cool £30m, and are working on a last-gasp move for Spurs left-back Danny Rose.
Newcastle have continued their post-Rafa policy of actually buying players with the £5m addition of Swedish full-back Emil Krafth. Elsewhere, Charlie Austin takes his talents to West Brom, and Taxpayers FC have raided Switzerland for Basel forward Albian Ajeti.
One player who’s going nowhere is Crystal Palace’s Wilfried Zaha. “It’s been well documented that he’s wanted to leave but it has not worked out for him,” beamed Roy Hodgson. “His beef unfortunately is with the owners … they haven’t received the offer they think is sufficient.”
Australian international Aaron Flamin’ Mooy has joined Brighton on a year-long loan from Huddersfield. “[Aaron]’s had experience of promotion out of the Championship, and of being in the Premier League,” trilled Brighton manager Graham Potter, sidestepping the elephant in the room.
And Robbie Flamin’ Fowler has got off to a rippin’ start as Brisbane Roar coach, as his team upset Sydney FC in the Flamin’ FFA Cup. Strewth, etc.
Victor Camarasa, Tom Heaton and Jesús Vallejo are three of the 10 astute summer buys identified by Big Website. Find out who the others are here.
Wayne Rooney was a hit at DC United, but the lure of Europe still trumps all that, writes Graham Ruthven of 32Red’s Wayne Rooney’s Derby County’s new recruit.
Big Website hits the home straight with its pre-season Premier League previews: here’s Ed Aarons on Tottenham and Simon Burnton on Watford.
Will Everton, Wolves, Taxpayers FC or Leicester City break into the top six this season? Probably not, but Martin Laurence has run the rule over them anyway.
No prizes for guessing who will win Ligue Un next season, but the battle to be best of the rest is hotting up, according to Adam White and Eric Devin.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!